Leaping Off The Cliff - No Expectations.

Oh what an interesting year it's been...

I only managed to do ONE of the things on my list for 2012: Visit Sedona.  All the rest of the things I resolved to do, I failed at. Big time.

But I am a softie when it comes to resolving to do things in the new year... And I can't not make a list. I love goals. In theory. It's the whole "achieving goals" bit that throws me. I can't seem to focus on how to achieve my goals. This is largely due to me throwing myself into work and being busy.

We're all guilty of that quite often.

We let everything else in our life become far more important than ourselves. As my mum would say, "To each their own." But let's face it, walking around with the weight of the world on your shoulders is ego-boosting.  Noble it may be to put other people and things before your own needs, it is unhealthy. PERIOD.

Sure, it provides a sense of purpose - which is healthy to your spirit. But when you do it far more often than doing good things for yourself, it drains your energy.

My healer from my Sedona trip is the one who really pointed this out to me. It's something I've always known... But it was talking to her that made me realize I very much walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders. And it is specifically due to one area of my life: work. I'm always the first to jump in and volunteer. The first to offer help. The first to sacrifice my personal life and time for the job. The first to preach about being a team player. The first to be in the office (back when I was in NYC) and the last to leave the office.  There was always something to be done. My help was needed. By others and by the business.

Sad, isn't it?

"Your work serves absolutely no purpose for you," said my healer. "It is serving your ego. And it is draining you."

She recommended that I sit in "silence" for certain amount of time. This meant:

  • Do not work.
  • Make no plans.
  • Do not make plans for work.
  • Have no expectations.

"You need to find your natural rhythms and your passion," she said. "You are never going to find it with the method you've been trying."

It's so difficult to take this step though. It means walking away, which is insane.

The Husband and my best friend (who I am here in Bermuda with) both agree that this needs to be done. But both are skeptical that I can go a full three months without making a plan for work.

"I give you 30 days," said Frogger. "I have no doubt you can walk away. You should. But knowing you, you'll be looking before the end of January."

The Husband agreed.

"You need a break," he said. "And I'd like you to be up in Toronto more. And I'd like it if you weren't constantly walking around with your iPhone attached to your hand."

(Now he's talking crazy!)

So in my mind, I am plotting and trying to put together exactly how I can do this. But one thing is very clear, "I am of no use to anyone if I am exhausted and sacrificing the time I need to be taking care of myself."