Mother Fucking Hate Mother Fucking Owls.

Ugh.

I am 25 minutes late to Skype with Human, The Husband. He is going to be irritated. I just know it.

Sure enough, I dial him... And when he answers, it's dark. That means the lights were out and he was sleeping when he opened the app.

"You're late! We were supposed to do this at 10pm. And I waited the extra hour for you. Then I went to sleep. It's now 11:30pm almost. What up?" he grumbles at me.

"Yeah," I begin. "You know how you really, really hate owls because of that movie we saw two years ago?"

(Side Bar: The Husband and I were downstairs in the basement one night watching a movie called The Fourth Kind. It was his suggestion. He didn't know anything about it. But after that, he was really scarred on the idea of owls. And I like to torment him about it... Whenever we're in stores and they have cute owl things on display...  

I won't ever fucking do that again.)

"Yeah," he says. "I hate owls. You know that."

"Well," I pause. "Now, Human, I hate them too. I just got attacked by one."

"WHAT!?!?!" he shouts.

I laugh. Because I can't not laugh about it. And I go into the story for him...

I was wrapping up cocktails and dinner with my best gals (Frogger and Bail) and the lovely Miss M (who we used to work with ages ago). We were at the fabulous Marliave in downtown, which is great for fun and economically priced cocktails.  It was 10:30pm... And being a woman who is comfortable walking in dodgy places at night, I decided to walk home to the South End.

It is a 15 minute walk. And it takes me across Boston Common (which this blog is named for) and the Public Garden. There were plenty of people out.  So I felt totally safe that I wasn't going to get mugged or anything on the walk home.

I make it across the Common's path to Charles Street.  I wait at the light to use the cross walk to enter into the Public Garden. I am wearing my favorite Marc Jacobs coat that I have worn for five winter seasons now... And a new sparkly beanie hat that I bought last weekend in Toronto.  I had just entered the Public Garden and see a gaggle of young college-aged girls walking towards me with what I determined was their token gay BFF. (He was dressed way better than them.)

I see them walking towards me... And then I feel something grab my beanie and scratch the top of my head.

I momentarily think, "Well, surely someone isn't daft enough to try to mug me in front of everyone." 

I instinctively grab my purse and get ready to yank out my keys to stab whoever it is. That's when I feel a force push away from my head and see my two things:


  • My hat fall to the ground in front of me
  • A big ass bird flying away and directly into the trees about 20 feet away from me


"OHMYGOD!" screams the Token Gay BFF. "Are you okay?!?!"

"I'm fine," I said... Registering that my scalp kinda hurt. "What the fuck was that?"

"OHMYGOD!" he screeched again. "It was a huge owl!"

One of the girls pointed to the trees and we could all see it. Yep. It was a big ass fucking owl. And for some reason... It really wanted my sparkly hat...



I will never wear this thing again. Or any other sparkly thing again. Not even a sparkly vampire. (TEAM EDWARD FOR LIFE!)

I slowly walked home... Pondering whether or not I should go to the ER and get a rabies shot. But I got home and looked at my scalp...



Just a small scratch. No real blood. And it was definitely an owl.

Human made me promise that if I feel at all "off" tomorrow that I go to the ER.  And I will, if I do.

But holy hell. I now hate owls too.

Dirty ass mother fuckers. Trying to steal my sparkly hat... Bitches PLEASE!