Just When The Anxiety Was Getting Going... A Sign.

Do you listen to the Universe? Or, are you like me, and struggle to practice mindfulness, and have faith in the Universe?

Before any major change in my life, I have a predictable pattern.
  1. I come up with an idea.
  2. I brainstorm how to make it happen in the most efficient way.
  3. I go along executing against this plan.
  4. A few weeks/months before the plane is to be fully executed, I panic.
    1. I worry about the money it's going to cost.
    2. I worry that I am making the wrong decision.
    3. I block out all reason and logic and hole myself up in place, having a freak out.
    4. I pretty much share the panic attack with no one, unless you are romantically involved with me. But even then, I go through it alone by choice. (You were such a trooper back in the day, Human, the ex-husband!)
  5. I take a long sleep... A few hot baths... And I come to a final decision, usually motivated by some sign.

This all happened this week, actually. 

Why the anxiety? Well... 
  • I leave for Europe at the end of this month. I will be gone for five and a half weeks. 
  • I will be traveling a bit up until I leave too. 
  • I have people staying at my place, pretty much the entire time I am gone. 
  • I have to buy a car (today, hopefully), and never having done that before in my life... I know it's going to be very expensive.
  • When I do come back from Europe, I'll only be in Boston about a week before I move west. So I essentially only have two and a half weeks really left in Boston altogether.

I knew all of this all along. Now that it's all almost upon me, I'm mind is like, "Whoa! No! Is this the right choice! This is all going to be so expensive! Why spend this money?"

Oh mind... You stupid asshole.

I can say that now. But it took many took many hot baths over the past few days, two really rough Bikram classes where a lot of energy was being released, a few emails of support from Human (thanks again, buddy!), and many breathing exercises before it subsided. 

But I still hadn't received my sign from the Universe as I left for the airport this morning.

"Oh well," I said. "Just keep moving forward, Heather. That's what you're good at."

I sat down in my aisle seat, towards the back of the plane. I checked my emails one last time. I made my final posts on Facebook. I turned off all my electronics. I flipped through Skymall. Then I did something I never do... I picked up the in-flight magazine.

In-flight magazines are so dull, typically. Skymall I love to read over and over again each time I fly domestically. (There are still products and photos in there form the 1990s! Nostalgia!) But today I picked it up as we were taking off, and saw this...

An article dedicated to my new home. Not San Diego in general... But specifically ENCINITAS! And the area almost exactly where I will be living near the 101!

I laughed.

It may seem silly and completely irrelevant to some... But to me, it was my sign. my confirmation that, "Yes. Heading in this direction is the right choice. So shut the hell up, Heather."

I'm taking this in-flight magazine with me. It's a keeper.