A Sign & Locating The Fear.

Two weeks from today, at this very moment, I will be likely sitting in an afternoon lecture talk... Prepping for the evening's ceremony. 

It's nearly time to return to the jungle. Yay!

It's been a full nine months since I was last there, at Blue Morpho. The longest. Between my first and second visit last year, it was eight months. I'm attempting to vow right here that this is the longest I'll ever go without a visit. I'd like to have them scheduled every six months. 

Seeing as it was last October that I went, I wondered the other day of the medicine was still inside me. Others who visit and participate in the ceremonies in the jungle often say that the "medicine continues to work long after you leave." And I do believe that from personal experience. But nine whole months? That's enough time to gestate a baby and give birth. But where was my "creative baby"? The one I planted there.

"Papa Tua," I said to the head medicine spirit (for ayahuasca), "If the medicine is still in me, send me a sign. A really clear and unmistakable sign. One that I can't dismiss."

I went about the rest of my afternoon, fixing things and putting things together.  Later that evening, there was a telephone call from a healer. 

At first, I was drained by the phone call. Bored. Nothing insightful was being learned.  Then they stopped talking and changed direction with their conversation after an awkward pause.

"I keep seeing animals around you," they said.

"You see animals?" I asked, confused. I didn't have animals. Though I would love a dog, the work schedule doesn't allow for it right now.

"Well... It's an animal," they said. "I guess. It's a butterfly. You know this big blue ones with the black? It has the very blue iridescent wings. And it's huge."


"That's a blue morpho butterfly," I said. "And that is a definite sign."

I explained how I visited Peru a few times to get away from the digital world, and went to the retreat.

"The blue morpho butterfly is their symbol," I said. "And earlier I asked the medicine spirit to send me a sign that the medicine was still working."

She said that it was, and that this was a sign for sure.

"It's a sign that you should trust your instincts. Trust your signs more. You are on a big mission. You're being prepared to help people. You're very clean. You're very healthy."

Helping people "how", she couldn't specify. At first.

"You're there to help the underdog is some way. Those who don't have a voice. The guides are telling me that all this work you've been doing is preparation for a bigger project they have for you. When they think you're ready, you'll hear about it."

I thanked the healer, and then spent the rest of the evening trying to decipher parts of the conversation... Hoping an idea would spring forth.

But now I think that it will take a fearless approach to the ceremonies this time to clear the path for the idea to arrive.  I'm still a little blocked. 

Right in my throat.

Two weeks till I get it clean.