Ayahuasca Diaries: Defining Your Universe. With A Disco-Dancing Rainbow-Afro-Wearing Jesus. And Clown Music.

"You can't be anywhere else but now."

It was Day Three, and we were in the morning lecture with Malcolm. He was reminding us (or for those who were new to Blue Morpho Tours - enlightening them) that the past is in the past, the future is in the future... And you are "now." Present.

He was teaching us about defining our Universe, and how we have to work on structuring our space the way that we want it.

"When you do this, it allows the next steps in your Universe to unfold," he said.

I knew from experience that what he meant was true. Manifestation. I had done it multiple times in my life. It's not magic. It's focusing on what's a priority to you, and then setting up your life or "space" mentally to allow for it to unfold.

It's you stating, "This is how my Universe works." And then you take steps to live in your Universe that way, allowing life to follow your lead.

"This is what works in my Universe... This is how it works... My Universe operates this way..."

You set establish these guidelines. And you operate within them. Boundaries. Rules. And once you do this, decision-making for your life becomes easier. Clearer.

I spent the earlier part of the day thinking about my Universe, and how I wanted it to operate...
My Universe is compassionate and accepting. It is a positive space. If negativity enters, it is either turned around to be productive - and therefore positive... Or it is purged, because it doesn't serve me. My Universe is a place of love and warmth. It delivers all I need.
Simple in idea. But putting it into practice takes continuous work, until it becomes second nature to operate this way. But the idea is that anything that doesn't want to change to be positive or doesn't want to serve my space has to go. Period.

I knew that this would mean significant decisions. I had already started down a path over the past year of expunging things that didn't fit within this predefined Universe I have. But I let my mind rest and decided to wait until the evening's ceremony to focus on them.  Instead, I spent the day napping and reading, wombed inside of a hammock in the ceremony house.

Dusk eventually came, and we were all inside the space. I was seated in my usual space. Malcolm lectured about how were going to continue to clean some things out, but really focus on defining our Universe.

Maetsro came in, and the ceremony began in its customary way.  I was served first, but this time chose only to ask for an eighth.   We all were served. We all "Salute"-ed each other. We all drank.

Again, it took time for the medicine to extend throughout my body... Rolling up to every chakra, till it hit my third eye and crown.

I thought about the things I had in my life, thanking the Universe for working with me. Challenging me where I needed to be challenged. Pushing me down a path that I had struggled with over the past two years, but was making me stronger.

"There's still a little fear in here," I noted. "In my Universe, fear can enter, but it has to leave. I won't allow it a long stay. I will acknowledge it, and then it has to go."

I sat for a while thinking about the things I was afraid of... And I realized they were mostly things that were in my space and not positive. And while I had tried to turn them around to be positive for quite a while, there was only so much that I could personally do. So I knew it was time they had to go.

"Stop holding on so hard," the voice said. "And get up to go pee."

Thinking about the previous night, where the voice told me to get up to pee but I ended up puking up a rainbow, I was hesitant. But then I figured whatever needed to come out was gonna have to come out.

The drums and the icaros in the room were getting stronger. The English-Canadian chap on the mat in front of me had started having a conversation with himself out loud.  It was a funny conversation. Malcolm was singing icaros in English, telling us the answers to what we need are inside us. The EC chap would respond verbally to each line of the icaro, getting funnier and funnier with his responses.

"Am I saying this all out loud?" he asked.

We all laughed.

Malcolm came over and started singing the icaro just above him.  The EC chap started singing back...  Responding with the "clown college" melody.  We all burst out laughing. Malcolm began to sing even stronger.

"Get up and go to the bathroom," the voice said, right in the middle of all of this.

I got up and walked to the hallway.  I found a stall, and thankfully only had to pee. No vomit. As I was in there, the challenge between the EC chap and Malcolm had gotten even louder and stronger.

"Disco-Dancing Rainbow-Afro-Wearing Jesus in a John Travolta Suit"... was the one clear line I could hear from Malcolm's voice. So unlike any icaros we'd heard. This one all about just releasing our creative energy. I laughed from the stall, came out, washed my hands, and then stumbled my way back  to my chair in the dark.

As I sat down, thoughts of strength and beauty entered into my mind. The Universe was showing me that I had been operating already in how I defined my Universe. That I was aware of this. And that, yes, I was afraid to make some tough decisions, but that they were holding me back.

"Things have to either change or they have to go," the Universe said.

"Okay. This is correct. I agree," I said.

"You're very strong. Everyone has the ability to be this way. The best thing you can do for others is live the life that works in your defined Universe."

I felt warm and cozy. I relaxed into my chair, with my blanket wrapped around me.  The ceremony had ended. Everything was very clear.

I made it back to my bungalow as soon as we were allowed up to walk. My mind was buzzing with the insights. There was so much I wanted to note down in my journal. But all I was able to write for about 30 minutes was this...


I was focused on creating each letter of the word carefully, to ensure the beauty of the word. Forty-two "Beautiful" words written.

I wrote a little more, as soon as I was able to get my fingers to craft other words. And then I turned out my headlamp and fell asleep. Laying on my side, feeling more rested than I had ever before.