The taste was repulsive. I was shuddering at the idea of having to take more medicine.
I wasn't afraid of the purging aspects. I knew that I could handle whatever needed to be purged. And I was in a safe and well-organized space.
The taste is what I was afraid of. Tobacco. Robitussin. Espresso. The taste was a combination of all three.
Bea, a friend on the trip with me, had said to me earlier in the day, "You know? I don't mind the taste."
She was clearly delusional.
But the medicine is good for you. So I knew it wouldn't be difficult for me to overcome my fear and choke it down when it came time.
I loved the medicine space that much.
I had taken, that week, to smoking a mapacho (Peruvian cigar) right after swallowing the aya. The medicine liked it. Taking heavy drags on these hand-rolled lovelies, inhaling the smoke in my mouth, and then releasing it changed the alchemy in my blood stream. The medicine swirled with it inside of me, allowing it to keep it company while it worked on me.
The tobacco ceremony we'd had just before the aya ceremony began made the inhale form the mapacho smoother that night.
I was open in my mind and internal voice. I was ready to speak and process whatever flowed through.
The medicine was showing me love. Or rather, revisiting with me the idea of love powering everything I do. From opening my eyes in the morning, to listening to my body in a hot yoga class, to making myself dinner at night...
"If you accept that everything you do can produce loving energy out into the space, you'll see that there is no room for fear to exist in your life.
It's your job to get rid of fear."
My voice agreed with the idea. And my mind believed it to be true.
I was getting lost in obstacles from my life. Again. The behaviors and beliefs that I'd worked to shed almost two years earlier were edging their way back into my life.
"It's time to stop giving yourself limits. The negativity around you is a limit. You know this. Think bigger. You won't be surprised to see that your much stronger that your mind thinks you are."
"I don't even know how to begin to move forward with any of this," I said.
"Just write, Heather."Soon the ceremony was over. We rested for another hour in our spots, listening to Loretta play with the various instruments she had... Singing Bowls... Wind Chimes... And more...
I rocked with my eyes closed. I was calm and felt peacefully clear. Strong.
Later, I was the first to walk back to my bungalow. I passed the two staff members asleep under the stiilted huts, with intentions of guarding the space. I unzipped my mosquito net, felt around for any invading scorpions or other bugs, then crawled on top of the mattress. I was running on very little food energy, and mostly plant medicine energy.
My body was tired. I wasn't going to fight it. I would allow love to drive that moment into sleep.
Love for my self. A peaceful love.