Energetic Suffocation.

I was surprised by some of the feedback I got from people on my post, The Visceral Day Off

The surprising feedback was around my crying hard and quietly from inside my mosquito net, in my bungalow that night. Crying of that intensity that made no sense. Inward noise, but nothing verbal coming out.

It's how I purge in ceremony. It's how I purge all of the time.

I found it surprising that others who read the piece found it brave and scary to experience something like that.

But that's where they lost me.  I've been purging like that since my teen years. I honestly thought it was normal.

Or, at least, that with introverts it was normal.  

But it looks like I am in the minority with that behavior. Which explains the concern I got from my ex-husband when I used to lock myself away in my home office, crying quietly for minutes on end. He would ask me how to fix whatever it is that was wrong.

But I could never pinpoint what was wrong exactly. I had a general idea. But to name exactly what was wrong, I had no idea how to begin to express it. But I knew once I finished crying that I would feel better. 

I think growing up, my family just got used to it. I would go into my bedroom, lock myself away... And cry. Not for hours. But for about 30 minutes. Then I'd be all cried out, and (again) totally fine. 

So it wasn't a depression. It was an expression. A purge.  And looking back on it now, it was simply my way of dealing with energy.

Energy and feelings from those I'd encountered in the day. Energy and feelings of what I saw. Energy and feelings of what I'd eaten. Energy and feelings of my thoughts and interactions.

The body and mind and heart and spirit are resilient. They can work together or independently to keep you going. They lean on each other when one is down and out... Continuing to move your presence to the next step. 

But if you don't allow them to process and purge, that energy and those feelings weigh you down. Energetically suffocating you. And it's difficult to find that breath or air to stoke your fire.

Purging can happen in so many ways. Yawns. Tears. Laughter. Peeing. Vomiting. Exercising. Sweating. You take in food... Stressful situations... Feelings... Thoughts of what you witnessed that day... And you have to do some serious purging. Otherwise anger, resentment, depression... They set in. And you slowly become hopeless.

So for me, I see my bouts of tears as a purge... And that is simply how I process some energy. And it's not a bad way to process. Other than it worries those around me, when no worry is needed. If I remained in the funk, in that slow-building depression, of course they should worry. 

This is why regular exercise is important. This is why your diet is important. Your hobbies. Your alone time. 

You need to purge. Some days more than others. So a few quiet moments tucked away in private tears isn't scary or hurting me. It's helping me.  I don't mind "feeling the feels" of what comes out.

And I find it odd that not everyone does it. So I do hope they are staving off their energetic suffocations some other safe way.