For a few weeks now, I've been listening to binaural beats while I sleep.
Yes... I can understand if you think it's a weird hippy thing to do... Listening to a collection of sounds while I sleep in order to tap into the different types of brain waves that can be produced... But it's cool. And I already listened to white noise apps while I slept. So changing it out to beats really isn't much of a difference.
Except where it is...
With my dreams.
Oh wow. I have been having some very eye-opening dreams lately. And - more importantly - I've been remembering them when I wake up. And yes, I am going to attribute it to the sounds I listen to while sleeping with my headphones on.
I mean, what else could it be?
Last night, I had a dream that has stayed with me all day...
I'm in an apartment. It feels like my first apartment in Boston's South End, on Tremont Street. But I'm not sure that it is. It doesn't look like it. It just feels like it.
For some reason, in the dream, I know that I am taking on a new apartment close by. And in order to get to that apartment, I crawl into a box-shaped basket next to my bed, and close the lid. When I open the box to crawl out, I have teleported from the old apartment to the new one. I can look out my window and see the backside of the old apartment - the balcony off the back of it. It looks run down from the outside. And like every other rowhouse from the back.
I walk through the apartment. I notice that the bathroom - while lovely - doesn't have a bathtub in it. Only a shower. And I am not pleased about that. Because I love baths.
I feel hidden and secure in the new apartment. Less exposed. Comfortable - minus the bathtub situation. And I can easily teleport in the basket box between the two apartments. But the new one is where I like being most. No one can get into it but me.
So let's dissect this...
- Apartment (Old versus New): The old one presents what needed to be done with. The new represents the right direction for me.
- Basket-Box: I equate me going into the box as me hiding. While opening the box represents self discovery.
- Teleporting: Escaping quickly to some place.
- Bathtub: Represents self-renewal. And in this dream, a lack thereof.
- Hidden: Again... Me holding back information.
In the dream, I was drawn to go back to the old apartment. Because I felt that was where I was expected to be. In that place. In that life. But I was hiding my yearning for the life I wanted, and I was hiding what I wanted. I clearly could have it. But I kept it hidden from others.
So what is it that my subconscious seems to be trying to tell me? Well, if I had to guess... It's telling me to let go of the energy that is still inside of me and telling me that what I had in the past was the perfect idea of a life.
For most it would be. A very, very lovely life.
But I was drained. And struggling with self-acceptance of what I wanted to be. I questioned everything about what I was drawn to, because I was in an environment where I was questioned for every instance of unconventionality I hinted at.
For a long time, it provided great fodder for me... I would use it as an example of "look how funny my life is"? And I loved doing that. But it was not well-received in a shared space. So I would moderate myself... And the quirkiness would come out in bursts. And almost from nowhere.
But the funny thing is that as I began to stop struggling and insist on what I wanted to do and be and experience... Life would unfold to provide it for me. It would leave someone out... But it was because they didn't want to come along for the ride. And eventually, I grew quite comfortable riding alone.
Going into that box... And venturing into my own space.
So this was a dream of letting go. Continued purging. Continued acceptance that the path I've gone down is a very good one for me.
And that even in my dreams, I prioritize being able to take a hot bath to renew myself.