The holidays are never stressful for me. Far from it. They are, however, exhausting.
This past week in particular has been extremely exhausting for me. Long drives... Playing with children... Long flights... Long waits at the hospital... Always surrounded by another person's energy...
By the time the evening of Christmas day rolled around, I knew I'd need my space and time alone. So despite being in a city where I could easily have a dozen places to crash, I chose to head to the Montelucia in Scottsdale for two nights of solitude.
My view at Sunrise, in black and white.
It's all about the decompression.
I was explaining to one of my favorite people in the world that I am going into this new year needing space and not to be around people as much so that I can focus on a few things (which will be elaborated on in a later blog post). This person happens to subscribe to similar beliefs as myself, having experienced plant medicines as well.
"I feel so guilty" being indulgent like this, I said to them. I enjoy being around people, but now I just need quiet and not to have anyone else's presence and energy interfering with my mind. Otherwise, I'll go into "holding the space for them" mode, and completely drain myself.
They reminded me that with the upcoming ayahuasca tour I have, that is something to work on in ceremony.
"Learn how to hold your space. It's super, super, super important," they said.
I gather that there is a way for me to be around people and not feel drained. I certainly can manage for stretches of time. But it's difficult for me to be around people non-stop, and not feel like I have to cater to their energy in some way. I've mostly mastered it with my family, but that's been a practice decades in the making. And even then, I feel uncreative and somewhat blocked.
Getting away from people allows me to realize things I want to create and see. I feel more at ease in a sea of strangers whom I don't have to worry about energetically, because I don't know them. But put me in a space with people I know at least a little? I feel all of my energy going into keeping a space warm and comfortable and safe and entertaining, rather than allowing my mind to follow thoughts and create.
Anyway... Two nights and one day of solitude allows me that decompression. That reset. That sleep.
Oh sleep... I miss you the most. And I could have slept in today, but I didn't want to miss the view of the Sunrise over Camelback Mountain from my balcony...
This was at 7am. The Sun rises much later it seems in Arizona.
I am in need of coffee now. And probably could do with a nap.