"When You're Authentic, You're Quite Fun To Watch."

I've had a brilliant past few days in class. I came off my business trip, taking a day off, and went into four very strong classes where my body was open and I was able go more deeply into postures.

Especially back bends.

You know... The postures where you are opening up your Solar Plexus and Heart Chakras. Oh! And your Throat Chakra.

And tonight, out came a purge from all of that openness. Right after the first set of Ustrasana (Camel Pose).

"Why do you care when you aren't with him anymore?" said a voice in my head.

I had just come out of the pose, and was momentarily resting on my knees with my hands on the floor. I looked up at myself in the mirror and choked up for a second. I had just come out of a much deeper back bend than I've had in years. And that voice inside my head came out of nowhere with this comment.

I turned around and lay down on my back in Savasana.

What was I hearing? I wondered.

I parsed through my thoughts prior to going into the back bending posture. I hadn't been thinking about my ex-husband. But that was definitely what the comment was referencing.

I put it out of my head and did the second set of the posture. The second time I came out I heard the inner voice again.

"You're so traumatized by the idea of doing anything unconventional. When you do make changes, you seem to do it abruptly - as far as the outside world is concerned. Yet, you've been building up and weighing the decision quietly for so long before you take action."

This time, as I came out of the posture, I had a few tears that wanted to come out. I breathed deep to accept whatever my reaction was going to be. And the urge to purge with a cry left me. I turned over and laid down.

I knew what it meant. It made me feel "lazy", even though I know the voice didn't intend that.

It was a reminder that I hold myself back from pursuing things that interest me because I put the "needs" (more like "wants") of others ahead of me, until the point where I crack from holding things in for so long.

I've always been a bit of a chameleon, able to adapt to my surroundings and pick up things quickly. Good at being aware of what is going on in a situation with energy and feelings... And flowing with it.

Which isn't a bad skill to have, actually.

Except when it prevents you from feeling at liberty to do what you truly want. And I have this habit of surrounding myself with incredibly smart, but somewhat close-minded people.

Being "quirky" and unconventional is what I always felt like I brought to the relationship that was unique.

I'm always allowed to have ideas. But I very much pick up on when someone I am close to (an ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, co-worker, friend, etc...) finds my thoughts and ideas a "little out there." And it delays me. I hold back.

"You're perfectly capable and should feel at liberty to do what your interests push you to do," said the voice as I was wrapping my towel around my heels for Sasangasana (Rabbit pose).

"Be comfortable putting on a show," it continued. "When you're authentic, you're quite fun to watch."

I laughed myself out of Rabbit pose.

I always purge emotionally before an ayahuasca trip. And I'd just had one episode.

NOW I am ready for the jungle.