Night Three: Raw Thoughts. Hot Mess Incoherency.

This medicine isn't for everyone. 

I knew that two years ago when I came out of the jungle and explained my experience to others... Some who were closest to me.

"I just don't think I could ever handle being that out of control," one person said to me.

I was really confused by that statement. Because if anything, ayahuasca shows you that you are in fact in control of everything about you. It's all in your mind. You have complete control over your mind.  Sure, we let everyday matters affect our focus, but learning to feel and let go is the healthiest thing you can for yourself.

I've mentioned before that I've always been very good at "feeling my feelings" and also pretty good about purging them. I rarely get angry. But I often get annoyed. I can cry at the drop of a hat from something incredibly touching. And also from something incredibly sad. I've never - despite what others have said - felt that emotions were unnecessary or out of place in a moment. And I have found myself confused by in life by others who block their emotions. 

Sure, there is a time and place for emotions for some people. But even when they are alone, they refuse to feel what is tucked away in them, just below the surface, easily accessible.

That confuses me most. It always has. And I've always refused to live like that, because that choice of behavior is what will always hold you back in life. It's the choice of deciding the emotion isn't worth dealing with, then burying it, only to have it erupt in other ways because you refuse to deal with it. 

That realization is what really hit home for me in ceremony three.  While I didn't purge physically this night, I found myself in a space of connecting and understanding my story even more than before... And I was a bit of an incoherent hot mess (in a good way) after the ceremony...


Things were so clear in my mind... About everything. But articulating it? You can see it was as rough as my appearance.  I was raw. My thoughts were raw. 

And there were a shit ton of grasshoppers and other flying bugs that night.