I woke up on our day off from ceremony (which falls after the third ceremony) with my appetite still missing.
The food at the Helconia River Lodge, where the ayahuasca-specific tours take place, makes very good food. But being in the ayahuasca space always makes my appetite disappear. I grabbed a single slice of cucumber, a spoonful of omelet, and attempted to toast a single slice of bread. I snatched a packet of soda crackers to keep with me throughout the day. I sat down, and tried to eat. I only got a few bites in before I pushed my plate away.
Being in this space shows me how little food my body actually needs to function.
The conversations throughout breakfast were about the previous night's ceremony, an in particular about an "exorcism" of sorts that Malcolm ended up doing on a guest at the end. It was during the "soft landing" portion of ceremony. A gentleman from Texas needed some help. I was far away from where he was lying down on a mat, but I heard the familiar sound of Malcolm sucking energy out of the top of his head. It's a distinct sound, and kind of eery.
There had been all kinds of creepy sound through the week at this point. On the second night, one of the women screamed a loud and tragic scream. The next day, she talked openly about releasing some latent emotions she'd held on to for decades. She was exhausted but emotionally much better.
My headspace on day three was exhausted. I sat for what felt like hours, meditating, only to discover maybe 45 minutes had passed. It confused me. My thoughts were so clear, and moving so quickly, it exhausted me further thinking about it.
"Time really is relative," I thought to myself. "My thoughts move so fast and clear, but reality is moving slower. In my mind, I am thousands of miles ahead of where my physical space is. And the physical space matters so little in comparison."
Earlier in the day, Malcolm had lectured on the previous night's ceremony. He spoke about the cleaning up of the chakras that he'd done.
"The Root, Throat, Sacral chakras," he said, "that's where we spend most of the time last night."
We were cleaning up these areas because they are where a lot of energy gets trapped. You clean these areas, so that you can focus on the third-eye chakra, where the pineal gland resides. And it's that pineal gland that connects you to the Universe and the God-energy. Both of which reside in everyone. They are the connectivity to everything.
My day was spent pondering the pace of my thoughts and the connection to the Universe. I realized that the previous night's ceremony had been cleansing to my Throat and Root chakras in particular. My voice felt like it had changed slightly. My relationship to my physical space was different. I felt more in control.
My appetite returned momentarily at dinnertime. Since there was no ceremony, we would be having the third meal that day. I ate my full plate. Afterwards, I spent the evening reading... And slowly feeling myself exhaust mentally.
I went to bed about 9pm, my body uncomfortable but tired. I closed my eyes to sleep, but I did not sleep. Instead, I journeyed and meditated lying down for hours as though I was in ceremony.
My thoughts traveled far, connecting every decision I've made ever in my life and showed me how every bit of decisional energy I've made created this very moment and had a hand in creating every moment ever in the Universe. Gratefulness for the energy of others swirled continuously in my space. I could see dark energy - negative thoughts of others, but pushed my energy through it to make it disappear. I saw how strong my energy was, and understood why I held back most of the time around others.
"You're not just an introvert because you understand how other people's energy can drain you," the medicine voice said. "You're an introvert because your ability to react is strong and overwhelming. You hide. You select where to exhaust yourself. You are a warrior. A strong one. Just with your thoughts. Your battles with dark energy and thoughts are easier than for most."
"That's because I know they're not core to who I am," I said. "I refuse to allow them to be real in my internal space. I decide what energy gets to influence me mental space. Everything else is not allowed to exist."
Sleep came in small and light rounds that night. Some energy had shifted in me, just like in ceremony. But there was no ceremony. Or rather, the physical ceremony wasn't there. The mental one, I've learned, is continuous.