The Pot-Scented Hysterical Pregnant Cat Lady Above Me... Who Likes To Spank During Sex.

I am an AirBnB landlord's dream tenant.  

I am any landlord's dream tenant.

I pay on time. I try to fix most problems myself before reaching out to them. I am quiet. I am clean. I take garbage out on the designated days. I let the handyman in when he needs to get something in my apartment that affects the whole building. I say "hello" to people. I let other tenants in when they forget or don't yet have every key they need to get into the main door.

I also tolerate leaky ceiling and hysterical tenants quite well.

The craziness started last Wednesday morning...

I was woken up by a couple in the apartment right above me. They had been in town for the marathon. And they decided to get into a very loud fight at 1:30am. Slamming doors, stomping, throwing things, crying, screaming... I got to hear it all.

The woman was sorry about something she'd done. And the guy was not really open to forgiving her.

They left. But that didn't mean the crazinesss stopped.

Friday, a new couple moved into the apartment above me. They are pot heads from Colorado.

How do I know?

I get a text from my landlord...

"Hey! I need to get into your place. The people above you are complaining it's too cold in their apartment."

So that meant he had to come in and adjust the boiler, which is in my apartment.

He and his partner arrive, they are in an annoyed huff...

"These people are from Colorado! They should know how to deal with cold!" my landlord said. "They've only been in there an hour, and they already redecorated. They are potheads!"

Redecorated? I wondered. Why redecorate an AirBnB?

I looked at around my own space, though. I slightly changed things for the 30 days I would be here. So I figured they were probably going to be in the space for a few weeks too.

"They have Bob Marley blankets on the bed," he said.

I didn't know what that meant. But I figured he was just assuming they were potheads.

An hour later, I knew I was wrong and he was right. A perfume of marijuana could be smelled in the space above my bed. 

"They must be smoking in that corner of their apartment," I figured.

The smell didn't bother me, and I was leaving to a dinner party anyway.

I came home late (for me), and was in bed at about 12:30am. I was just beginning to drift off when I heard an aggressive spattering of rain hitting my windows.

But then I realized it wasn't my windows. And it wasn't rain.

I turned my bed light on, and looked across the room...  Water was dripping out of a space on the ceiling, fast and loud.

I grabbed my phone a took a video of it. It stopped after about another minute. I texted the video to my landlord.

"It's stopped," I texted. "It can wait till morning to be dealt with."

About six hours later, my landlord wakes me up with a phone call.

"Yeah," he says, "They were using the bathtub, which they're not supposed to do."

Apparently there is a sign that says the shower is fine to use, but that the bathtub can't handle the amount of water when it drains, and therefore isn't to be used.

They ignored the sign.

"If you see it happen again, go up there and tell then to knock it off," he said. "I'll remind them again now."

All was quiet the rest of the weekend. 

But then Monday morning hit.

It started with loud stomping across the floor above, then a loud screechy and screaming conversation with someone on the phone.

"I'm pregnant! How can they be so rude to me? What the fuck is wrong with people?"

There was a woman upstairs. And she was not happy.

"No! I was asking people if they knew how I could find my way back to Darmouth Street, and he yelled at me not to bother his customers with questions. I was so mad, I began walking out. Then another cashier said to me, 'Girl! I know you ain't trying to steal that shampoo!' I'd forgotten I had it in my basket and I was trying to leave. I can't believe they thought I was trying to steal shampoo. Why are people so mean?"

I had a call to hop on with someone on my team. I prayed she would quiet down.

"Then I went to Western Union to get the cash.  And I had to go to this other place in Brookline to get the paperwork that shows we didn't get evicted in Arapahoe... that we actually put the lease in another girl's name and SHE was the one that broke the lease. So they were evicting her. We were already gone. But now we can't get an apartment here... We had one, and then they declined us at the last minute because I don't know why! They were questioning some debt I have on my name and Daniel's name. Daniel has $70k in student loans. But that's normal! Why are people so mean?"

I agreed with her silently. A lot of people do have student loans. But I don't think that usually affects one's ability to get a lease, especially if they show they have steady job. I could be wrong though.

"And I have some medical bills that are in collections, but that's normal too!"

Um... Not sure about that one, lady.

She continued to purge and unleash her woes to someone on the phone. Then she was done.

Or so I thought.

A few hours later she was hysterical again.  

"Otis! Otis! Where are you?"

She was moving furniture and stomping around again. Screaming and crying. 

"What the fuck!?!?! Otis!!! Where are you?!?!"

We aren't supposed to have pets in this AirBnB.

I put my headphones on and dug into my work. 

Another few hours later, and she's back on the phone retelling the same story about getting kicked out of some place the day before for potentially intending to steal shampoo.

I did feel bad for her. She was having a rough day energetically. But I just wanted her to quiet down do that I could do some conference calls.

Eventually, she found Otis.

"There you are sweet kitty! Why were you hiding?" she asked in a loud baby talk.

This bitch is pissing me off, I decided.

I continued with my work, and was very productive. Till early evening.

She and Daniel decided that aggressively loud sex would be the solution to her bad day. Sex that apparently involved spanking - from the sounds of it.

It lasted about three minutes. The loud part, that is. I don't want to assume the whole thing only lasted three minutes. Just the part I - and all of the neighbors - heard.

Then she started talking to Daniel about what had happened to her the day before, only this time she included that it all took place at Walgreens.

Daniel was trying to calmly talk her into a good space. But her pitch eeked higher, and her voice got louder... Till she was screaming at him.

See, poor Daniel made the mistake of telling her to calm down for the baby. Her response was to tell Daniel, "Fuck you! I'm not insane!"

Then began a few HOURS of them screaming at each other, loud stomping, door slamming.

It finally died down around 11:30pm.

And so far, is very quiet. But's not quite yet 8am.

I am counting down the hours till I pick up the keys to my new place on Friday. I may take the day off, go furniture shopping, and sleep in the new place.

Till then... I will pray that no more baths are taken, that everyone gives her directions and accuses her of trying to steal shampoo, and that all the intimacy they share is on the quieter side.

Oh... And that Otis stays in her eyesight.

Let's all pray for Otis.

(Now to go sage this apartment to push out yesterday's energy.)