I'm not looking for a relationship. Actually, I can't recall the last time I was actively looking for one. Maybe college? After university, relationships just seemed to happen. And for long term.
I think this is because I am a bit lazy. When it comes to relationships. I am too comfortable doing my own thing, and things only tend to end when I am confronted or forced to "think about the future", and the expectation is that I get excited about the potential change.
"You don't want to get married again?" a boyfriend asked me about two years ago.
We'd been reading something online one Sunday evening, curled up on the couch. It was written by a really funny guy, and I said, "That guy is so funny, he's marriage material. For women who want in that kind of thing."
I laughed and said, "Good grief, not likely. I like companionship. I'm not interested in all that you have to deal with when it comes to the business of marriage."
I could tell he was disappointed. And it marked the downward slope of our relationship. We'd been together a few months shy of two years. And it was clear we each had two different interpretations of what a long term relationship looked like.
I have a tendency to attract a certain type of guy. And I knew it in the back of my mind. But a silly Facebook quiz reminded me about it this week...
While I know these things are jokes, it was funny that everyone else I knew got results that showed "freaks" and "playboys" and "crazy girls."
I got the type of person most women want.
Except for me.
Trust me, I have no patience for Freaks or Playboys. Or crazy people. And the only thing about "Family Man" that does not appeal to me are the whole "kids" and "marriage" parts. Kids are awesome. It's why I'm grateful my siblings have all had them. I don't have to have that responsibility but still get to enjoy them.
The marriage part though... I could be convinced to do that again, potentially. But I think I'd have a hard time finding someone who would be comfortable with what I need. Which includes:
- Travel. Often solo. Traveling with others is fun. But I equally enjoy going on an adventure myself. I prefer it sometimes.
- My physical space. I'll never get rid of my Encinitas house. It will always be my space exclusively. I don't know that I could share it with another person. If I met someone, I could live with them sometimes. But I will always like having my own little spot.
- Being able to take care of myself. And them. And vice versa. Surprisingly, this is the one thing that has disrupted every relationship I've had in the past five years. It's a main reason my marriage broke up. ("If I'm not making the money in the relationship, what do I bring to the table for you?" my ex-husband said to me when I started making a closer base salary to him.) And the other two relationships I have had since then echoed this to some degree. Men I seem to attract like being "the hero". But I like being "the hero" too.
"How is it you end up in these relationships that most women would want?" a friend asked yesterday.
I honestly don't know. But I had an idea.
"I think we attract what is a reflection of how we truly are in that moment," I said.
Stable. Self-sufficient. A provider. Compassionate. Likes to be the leader.
But you have to ask, "How well does the compliment you and what you bring to the table?"
In my case, it's good for quite a while.
Till they want to talk about the future. And then, I have no real idea how to fit what they seem to want with what I want.
So just repeatedly long relationships for me. Which suits me well. Because I am lazy. And too easy-going in them. Till you ask me to work at the relationship in a way that doesn't suit me, instead of letting it organically flow.
Then, "gurl - bye!"
P.S. Should you ever come across a fellow who is nerdy-funny, intelligent, and isn't tied up in the idea of being the "Alpha Male"... Consider yourself blessed.