I am horrible at "life flow."
I have always been a planner. An intentional manifester. Also an action-taker.
Sitting back... Relaxing... And letting life flow... These are not words in my vernacular universe.
But the past few years have been an exercise - to some degree - in learning how to flow better with life energy... And not always be "on" and exhausting myself with dissecting the meaning and logic behind things as they unfold.
"This must be a sign..." or "This happened, therefore I should do this next..."
I do that all the time. I analyze things to try to mitigate risk and/or to justify every decision I am making.
But, I am getting better about not doing that... And instead just listening to the random thought that pops up into my head and saying, "I'll just go an do this. I don't know why. But I think I'm supposed to do this."
The trip last year to Jordan was just that. I had known that it was being offered. But it never jumped out at me as a place to visit. Till one day the thought came into my head:
"Go to Jordan."
And even though I didn't know what I wanted to get out of the trip - or really why I was going - I was booking the tour just two months before it started.
I went from location to location with the group, not really knowing what I was supposed to be learning.
"Just absorb. Don't think."
I didn't write much about that Jordan trip. Not like I usually do with my travels, where I am writing so much about everything I saw and did.
I was processing it. Not just what I saw and what we did... But what the energy of the places we visited were like.
I didn't focus on what the trip taught me.
And I didn't really know until eight months later, when I was in Myanmar.
And to be honest, I still don't have the full picture of what my take-aways are from that Jordan trip.
"It's like that," someone said to me on the Myanmar trip."You're learning on this trip what the Jordan trip was about for you. And on your next trip, you'll start to learn what Myanmar was about for you."
Basically, I need to be better about just being in the moment, and not be focused on trying to understand everything as it is happening.
Jordan was a trip of independence for me. It was me getting further into uprooting and changing things around me. Digging down further to my foundation - which is strong. But over the past decade and some, I've layered on ideologies and beliefs that were needed at the time in a self-energetic panacea... But are hindering my growth, and are now in a way toxic.
I started to see these things in Jordan. And over the next number of months, the things started to grate at me. Each time I thought about an idea or belief I had identified as being core to me, I realized it was something I'd outgrown.
Jordan was about freeing me up... Ironically, in a region where women aren't as free as they should be. And the trip was telling me to go back to my roots and hack away at things that don't fit.
But I didn't know that. Not at the time.
Not till long after I'd thought about going to Myanmar, and deciding one day, "Book your ticket. You need to go here."
I didn't know why I needed to go to Mynamar. I just know I was supposed to go.
And I still don't know fully what Myanmar was about for me... But I do know that part of it was about discovering another plant medicine - a tobacco one.
Hand-rolled. Pure tobacco (this one mixed with another plant - the betelnut - known to create a euphoria), these are cigarettes. Things that I do not smoke .
But yet... I found myself buying a ton of them in the little house built on stilts in the village in Inle Lake.
Packages and packages.
I brought them home to California (after researching that they are legal to bring back to the States), and put them in a jar in my home office. After the new year, I started taking one out every few days that I was in Encinitas, and puffing on one before I meditated.
Clearer thoughts come into my head. Connecting things together more easily. That's what I get from the plant.
"Myanmar was a little about discovering this plant."
As to what else it was about for me... Time will tell.
I'll just be patient and let it flow at it's own pace. I'm confident I'll understand it at some point.