A text from my plant-medicine-taking ex...
"... in your blog you have posted all about the trip itself and your physical experience but it notably missing everything from the spiritual journey. I was trying to figure out if that was because it wasn't as deep and insightful as you have had in the past or if it was because you weren't ready or didn't want to share it?... I'm just curious."
He was writing because apparently he still reads this blog... (Bless him.) And he was wondering where the insights were from this trip.
I was tempted to explain to him all of the "awakening" I've been doing in the past year and a half... But thought it might be somewhat unkind, because some of it had to do with him specifically. Or, rather, my feelings about him. They weren't about him in a way that would help him at all. They were more about my way of existing in a relationship in general. My way of existing in life in general, actually.
I don't write about them in much detail here in this space because... Well, I'm saving them. And I'm still exploring them. But mostly, I'm saving them for a different forum.
And that's one of the things that has changed about me in the past year and a half... How I share my world and with whom I share my world has changed. There's been a lot of energetic purging in the near two years since I first took Sanango. Some of which was incredibly uncomfortable. I'd find myself in familiar settings and moments and wonder, "What is it about this that feeds me?" And I'd be at a loss to find the answer.
Mostly exhaustion at trying to find an answer.
And other things that I thought would just be passing phases, as they had always been in the past, stood out as things that put more energy into me.
And I realized that I'd has a tendency to surround myself by a lot of energetic fear. Not my own fear... But the fear in spaces and the fear others around me had.
And it exhausted me. It finally caught up to me.
Fear is a healthy thing to have. It motivates you. It pushes you. It makes you stronger. I respect and appreciate my fears. I always have. And I work hard (sometimes too aggressively, I'll admit) to prevent them from holding me back for too long. I'm not a person who lives in fear. I have it, but I don't live in it.
And I can't be around for long others who have fears, allowing a chaotic energy to weigh me down. That's what is exhausting.
At least it is when you've drank a plant that forces you to change whether you want to or not. And it opens your eyes to things that are holding you back... Which in my case was being around too much fear/chaos from others.
"You can't settle into the space you want to until some things take up less of that space," the voice said. "Those fearful places and energies, they made you stronger and shaped you. But the shape of them is not a focus for you now. You have to put your energy elsewhere."
I'd recalled many times the shamans in Peru saying at the first Sanango retreat I did how the medicine will force you to change... And that the tighter you held on and resisted, the more uncomfortable it would be.
More uncomfortable than an ayahuasca ceremony.
But just as enlightening.
"Didn't you drink some aya too?" the ex texted.
"Nope," I said.
There were two ayahuasca ceremonies on the last two nights of the Sanango retreat. The idea is that after a week of Sanango-drinking and doing the dieta, the aya comes into you and works really hard on you since you're so "clean" from the previous days.
"All I had was one single drop of aya that I placed on my tongue with my finger," I texted back.
It was all I needed.
(To be continued.)