Sabotage By A Thousand Little Cuts.

I’ve been practicing a different style of hot yoga lately.

It started out more as a matter of convenience. My schedule has been packed in the past month and a half, and the times for the studio I had been going too were either too early or too late for me to get to class there. So I returned to a studio I had tried a few years ago, which offers a close variation to the yoga I’ve been practicing for over a decade now.

It’s more of a flowing yoga. There are vinyasas between some of the poses. And there is less pressure to push myself deep in poses - focusing more on precision of what I am doing as I make my way through each one.

So instead of having torturous thoughts rolling through my head, about how I want to just come out of the pose and rest, my mind is free to analyze my day and processing my interactions. My choices.

  • The choice to wake up at 5:30am… AWESOME!

  • The choice to stay in bed drinking coffee and watching MSNBC till 7:30am… Questionable.

  • The choice to take a bubble bath instead of working out… Disappointing.

  • The choice to walk for 30 minutes at lunch to the beach… Brilliant!

  • The choice to a handful of Cheez-its and ignore the salad I made for lunch… Noble. But not healthy.

  • The choice to go to yoga after work… Inspiring.

  • The choice to eat three tacos for supper… Well, there’s sodium in them. Which I need after yoga.

  • The choice to spray two pumps or CBD oil in me before bed… Rock on.

  • The choice to not go to sleep till 11pm… Cruel.

These are just the choices from my typical day that I want to share. There are so many. And lately I am incredibly fatigued. Fatigued, yet still unable to convince myself to eat something more nourishing that a quick taco that I can grab or get to sleep before 11pm.

“Sabotaging myself with a thousand little separate decisions that add up,” I said to myself while in Tree pose today. “A thousand little cuts.”

A slow bleed.

Cuts that I could have cared for and fixed early on, but kept saying, “Oh, it’s just a little cut. I don’t need to deal with it now. It will heal itself.” But now I end up with too many to deal with in easy and isolated ways. And now I have to do something drastic…

Like dip my whole body into a tub of hydrogen peroxide and then wrap myself like a mummy in bandages.

Extreme. And dramatic. I assure you, I am not in any dire situation. But you can see where my mind goes.

I need to be better about not saying, “Oh it’s just this morning. I’ll get up and be more productive right away instead of lounging around for hours. And I’ll actually eat my salad so that I have more energy in yoga class. And drink more water beforehand. And I’ll start eating a healthier but minimal supper so that I don’t end up staying away till 11pm and beyond.”

Otherwise my energy is just gonna stay low if I keep these habits up.

And the blood is gonna be harder to clean up.

And I don’t really want to have to start ordering in bulk fro Amazon a bunch of hydrogen peroxide and bandages.

It would really eat into my travel budget.